ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pants are for mortals
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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