11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
