her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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