I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
