roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
