i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i came on her dog
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
