I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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