i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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