Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Where is the hickey?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
