worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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