I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
