he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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