I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
