Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
