After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dignity is for republicans.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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