worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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