need another drink. this is the easiest way
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
