I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
