so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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