I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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