I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
