this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
