On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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