I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
