New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
All I want is dick and wine.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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