your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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