Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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