Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
