he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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