I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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