its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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