so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
