I wanna bring you to show and tell
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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