is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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