he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
