I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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