My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
