I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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