And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
