I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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