Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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