yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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