i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
