He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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