That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
