Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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