i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
