You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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