can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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