Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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