never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
