Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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